Marijuanalogues III

Well it seems Law Schoolites are getting into all kinds of trouble these days because of their rampant drug abuse, so I thought it would be good if I listed some basic techniques one can employ to prevent getting caught by authorities.

Red Eyes: This is a very major detector in telling if someone is high. The best solution is Visene, Bausch & Laumb, Clear Eyes, Rhoto Vs(The best), or any other eyedrop that relieves redness. Check to see it's potency too, Max relief or what have you would work well. It also seems that you build an immunity to the drops, so make sure you have put in enough. Time will also make your eyes less red. Also, be confident, look people you're talking to in the eyes, try to keep your eyes open normally, given you've used visene. Always hide your visene, someone finding visene is a dead giveaway, what are the chances you need visene for something other than bloodshot, smoked out eyes.

Breath: Again, very important that this is masked. Listerene strips or gum works really well. Your breath won't smell for that long, and anything that you put in your mouth will help, food or soda etc., even strong smelling food works good, like onions. If you have very skeptical parents, spit out the gum before coming in contact with adults.

Smell in Clothes:This is a very tricky one, but the best remedy is to have a spare shirt. Say you know you're going to be hotboxing a car. Always carry an extra shirt around if you can, that way you can wear it while you smoke, so the smell goes on it, and not what you wore earlier. Then you can just take the rank shirt off when you're done smoking, and put on the fresh clothes you were wearing earlier. Works like a charm, and I do it almost everytime now. Depending on how much you smoked and what you smokd it out of, the smell may go away after a bit in fesh air, but you can never be too careful. Blow it away from your clothes if need be.

I however, do not reccomend sprays, like cologne, or axe. Most of the time these won't mask the smell, but mix. To me axe and weed is stronger than just weed. Although here is a technique which is more specific than just spraying axe, and will work fine.

If you know you're going to go smoke immediately, spray yourself with a cologne, then put a heavy materialed shirt on (hoodie, jacket, etc). That way when you're inside or elsewhere, you take off the heavy layer and you simply smell good because of that wonderful cologne you always wear, because you are a clean and well-put together individual.

Smell on Fingers: This could possibly be one of the most important things to remember. Your breath and clothes will air out not too long after, but your fingers will reek for a long time. This also depends on what your smoking, blunts and joints will really make your fingers stink. WHat you can do to easily solve this is just wash your hands off, but anything to take the smell out of your fingers will. Sometimes I walk in and pet my smelly ass dog.

Smell in Hair: Depending upon how long your hair is, the smell could get into it too. Although i do not have long hair, it would probably be best to wear a hat or something while smoking, or to just make sure your hair airs out.

Smell of surroundings:Bedroom/house:There are many different ways to try and hide the smell in your room. I'm going to list the techniques I can come up with.

Timing: Try and find a time when you won't be walked in on, when you know for sure your parents are asleep and won't bother you. Hell, even gone (the best). You just have to make sure you won't be interrupted or walked in on shortly therafter.

Smoke: Isn't much you can do for this one, but there are some remedies that go along with other things listed below. Blowing into a pillow will reduce smoke,(See warnings below), if you light incense, there's a reason to be smoke. Holding the hit in longer will reduce smoke. Blowing smoke through the shooter will reduce smoke a little bit. Open your windows and let it air out, a fan in the window will help get fresh air in. If all else fails, turn on a fan inside, ceiling or stand, that may kill the smoke a little (The AC does that to a hotbox, right?).

Fan in window pointing outward: This is a very good method, just smoke next to the fan, blowing the smoke into it, leading to outside. Also hold whatever you're smoking near it to, so whatever rolls off gets sucked out too. No smoke, no smell, you're good. Just make sure to always have that fan there for a particular reason (Airflow going through your room) or only when you smoke. If you leave it there it could be a give-away that you were smoking.

Fabric Softeners/dryer sheet in toilet paper roll(Zoom Tubes): Put about 8 fabric softeners/dryer sheets into a paper towel roll, and maybe even one rubber banded over the top of one of the sides. Just inhale and exhale through this device.This one works alright, but you need to be aware of all smoke, smoking device and what you inhale. Generally smoke will come out of a bowl after you hit it, isn't that much smoke though. So it should clear up smell wise shortly after. Dispose of or hide the Zoom tube, as with eye drops, this is a dead give-a-way.

Incense,candles, and Febreeze: From experience, incense will cover the smell, but also leave skeptical parents wondering. It's a little obvious that you're lighting incense to cover up a smell. This works good if you used incense before you smoked. Candles will help the smell too, it won't necessarily cover it up quickly, but it will smell good, and eventually cover up the weed smell(Not recommended for lots of smoking). Febreeze or any kind of spray that doesn't cover, but kills smell, will work. Febreeze is good for fabrics smell, and I think they have one that lso eliminates air odor. This also could be a little obvious if your parents have suspicions. Spray or light in areas where you smoke, and doorways where people come in.

Blowing into a pillow or mattress:This will work alright, but you need to be very careful. Blowing big hits into pillows will leave a brownish mouth print from where the smoke went through. Again, if you parents see those marks, it can't be good. Be very careful with this, and only try if you aren't smoking too much (i.e. One hitters) Try spraying the pillow with something later and let it air out. Not recommended.

Cologne:Cologne is not what you want to be your first choice as a mask. Most of the time it will just mix with the smell AND make things obvious. Only do this as a last resort, I don't entirely recommend it.

Hold that shit in!: If you're a champ, hold that shit in, the longer you hold it in, the less smoke, the less smell. Thsi works great with any other technique, AND gets you higher.

Smoke in the shower: This is what I do a lot when I smoke alone at home. If you have a fan thing in your bathroom (Made to suck in steam and hot air), just smoke and blow it into that. Then, after that, take a shower, a hot shower, and make sure to sud up extra good to get that smell in the air and the weed smell out. Works wonders and no one can walk in on you.

Smell of surrounding:Car(This is for people with cars, who have snoopy parents.) Like anything, how you smoke effects the smell, but also in cars, the material effect it too(Leather doesn't absorb smoke much, cloth like fabrics do, get it?). You can just crack your windows and blow out if you're smoking bowls or anything. If you don't vent while smoking, roll all the windows down and air that shit out, This will even help you air out too. If you are smoking a blunt, roll the windows down. If you hotbox, expect your car to smell the next day. You'll need lots of air blowing to get a hotbox smell out of a car. Air fresheners will probably help, without much suspicion.

Also, if smoking or carrying anything in a car, drive right, you don't want to get pulled over.

Hiding spots:It's always nice to have a good hiding spot for your stash. You want to try and pick a place unfrequented, where your parents wouldn't find on accident. Also, don't hide it too easy, that could get you caught one day. I had a few good ones myself, some of you would use them for ideas. In my dresser, i could take out the bottom drawer, then lift up a panel it was over, and put everything down there. A perfect spot unless my mom were to rearrange my room. I also had a row of books on a shelf that were diagonal, with a triangle shaped spot behind them. I threw stuff there for a quicker and more convenient spot, although not long term.

Everyone has great hiding spot, just use your imagination

Confidence: Have confidence in yourself, if you don't have red eyes, and don't smell, you're pretty good. Remember that although you're probably very paranoid, no one has the right to think you're high other than an assumption. Open your eyes normally, look them in the eyes, talk to them regularly, no reason to get caught. Paranoia is the worst part about getting high, if you're confident, you can overcome this and relax.

Being high around people takes getting used to, but if you try, it will become easy, you can not get caught and be fucked up, it just takes practice and confidence.

Carelessness: This is by far the worst. If you smoke for too long, you end up being less and less careful, which leads to everyone's demise. As hard as it may be, you HAVE to try and make sure to clean up after you smoke. Put everything away and make sure it doesn't smell. I hate to say it, but no matter how careful you are, eventually this will be your fall, so just be very careful.

And most importantly...keep quiet about that shit. It does not matter if people already know you do it, just don't let them find out when you do it, how often you do it and when you're going to do it next.

Happy smoking.

Bill Hicks (1961-1994)

Bill Hicks is NOT just a comedian, the same way Martin Luther King is NOT just a great orator. They signified the next stage in the evolution of thought processes in their respective fields. In his own words, he was a "Chomsky with dick jokes". Anyway, here's a compilation of amazing(ly funny) quotes by the Late Great Mr. William Hicks.

"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."

"Pick up the gun."

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

"You all saw him - he had a gun."

******

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.

******

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

******

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

******

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

******

People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

******

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

******

It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

******

I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.

******

"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.

******

If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.

******

The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.

******

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

******

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

******

I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

******

We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.

******

Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART!

******

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: " Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"

Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

******

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.

******

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

******

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law?

******

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

******

I dunno how much AIDS scares y'all, but I got a theory: the day they come out with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot cure, on that day there's gonna be fucking in the streets, man.

******

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)

******

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

******

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

******

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

******

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

******

Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

******

It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

******

One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.

******

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

******

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

******

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

******

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

******

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

******

That's an act, that's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic! Dude, I'm tripping right now, and I still see that that's a fucking egg, alright? I see the UFO's around it, but that's a goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit eating it, but goddammit that hobbit's eating a fucking egg! He's on a unicorn. But, no, th-th-th-that's a fucking egg. How dare you have a wino tell me not to do drugs!

******

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

******

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

******

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.

"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!

******

I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"

******

Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

******

I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead -- just play with this -- if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world -- and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded -- we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it.

******

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

******

If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

******

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

******

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

-- Bill Hicks, on being censored from "The Late Show with David Letterman"

******

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

"Uh-huh."

Dinosaurs.

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

******

People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

Smile. Its good for you.

I think the whole point of life is to be happy and to do everything possible to maintain that frame of mind.

Everything else is secondary, meaningless, transient and/or pointless.

So do everything you can to be happy in this life. Because its all over once you die. There are no pearly gates. No 72 virgins (or raisins). No reincarnations. No mystical pubs where you hang out with Andy Garcia, Ernest Hemingway and Pablo Picasso for the rest of eternity.

None of that. Once you die, its over. Done. Finished. Kaput.

You say tomato, I say potato

A Cocktail

A Cock's Tail

I don't get it.

And the search begins

After my recent fracas at the not-so-friendly Chinese restaurant, my eyes were in a perpetual scanning mode looking for a new watering hole. Many bars were considered for this prestigious honour, but I have now narrowed it down to three final contenders.

Welcome Bar
Located slightly away from the bustling heart of town, this fine establishment provides multiple varieties of alcohol, Tibetan cuisine and "sweat meats", whatever that is. Two key features of Welcome Bar are; it has extremely attractive Tibetan waitresses, and it sells alcohol on Sundays (a Government ordered dry day in Meghalaya), albeit at an increased price. Well, not really, the price is raised by just one Rupee.

The Hole in the Ground
This is in no way the actual name of this place. To tell you the truth, I don't think it has a name at all. It's so secretive that you could be standing two feet away from it without realizing that this place even exists. To enter, one must open a blue trap door and literally descend into a hole in the ground, hence the name. Like "Welcome Bar", it sells booze on Sundays but at a much higher price. However, the best feature of T.H.I.T.G. is that it remains open till 5 a.m., which in Shillong is akin to finding a passive unassuming Jat.

Ambassador Bar
By far the SHADIEST joint I've seen in a while, or as I like to call it, Guhan Balaji's natural habitat. Extremely atmospheric. Nearly impossible to find a female within its premises, nevermind the bar itself. The location is such that one strong gust of wind could just topple it from its precarious perch over the municipal gutter. The waiters are polite, speedy and smell vaguely of kerosene. No outstanding qualities like the other two, but the sheer coziness of the place more than makes up for it.

The only way I can be fair in my decision is if I give all three an equal chance. So for the next two months I'll be intensely reviewing these establishments before I make my final decision. I just hope I don't end up ruining my liver in the process.