40th Anniversary. Big Whoop!

Okay, SOMEBODY who went to the original Woodstock has to admit it sucked. Watching Country Joes & The Fish, Shanana and Arlo Guthrie, AND contracting E Coli from having sex in the mud does not a great weekend make. The only place I'd rather be less than Woodstock is Woodstock 99.

And to all the new age hippies and those who "want to go back to 1969", your God, Bob Dylan, refused to play at Woodstock because there were too many hippies, according to him.

I HATE the word "trippy".

In dog years I'm dead

It's odd, but I have absolutely no memory of my birthday last year. As it is birthdays are miserable little affairs where you have to pretend to be nice to everyone and people you don't even know go out of their way to wish you a "Happy Birthday!!". And the worst part is that you have to individually thank everyone for their wishes, even though neither party really means what they say. And money. Ah...money. Goes flying out of the pocket during this time of the year. But really, I hate people fussing over me more than anything else. Probably. Why do people enjoy birthdays again?

But this year is going to be different. I'll be in a crowded bus filled with strangers the whole day. And I have no cell phone, so can't get bothered by over-zealous well wishers as well. Probably the best way to celebrate this god awful day.

Rajasthan

Watching the extended trailer of Abhay Deol's new flick, "Road Movie"( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nA-r7zrk5m8 ), made me feel so good. Everything about it was JUST right.

More than anything else, the vibrant colours and the heart breaking beauty of the landscape brought back memories of the beginning of the year.

Miles and miles of empty, barren roads...an occassional PCO...a town engulfed in blue...over-zealous tourists...an endless sea of sand...rickety, exotic smelling buses...amazingly colourful clothes...fancy looking trains chugging along in the distance...the beauty of the Panihari. This is what I remember.

Marijuanalogues IV

Smoked up after almost a month (Four rounds of Frosties that too). So here's my list of "What not to do while smoking", and keep in mind I was slightly high when I typed this out.

1. DO NOT DROP THE BLUNT/JAY. I know guys who punch noobs kick them out the rotation for this its one of the worst things to do.

2. DON'T DROP THE BONG/BOWL. Just as bad as the first one but if you do this you could end up owing money to somebody. Hold it tight when your high.

3. KEEP YOUR VOICE LOW. I know I hate it when everyone is chilling then the one dumbfuck is blabbing his fucking lips off talking about nothing in particular. If no one else is talking keep your stupid shit to yourself.

4. NEVER EVER SHOUT OUT OR SAY "COP/PARENTS/TEACHER" ANYTHING LIKE THAT UNLESS YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY SURE. I've hooked a friend in the face for doing that.

5. DON'T BABYSIT THE BLUNT ITS CALLED PUFF PUFF PASS FOR A REASON. I can understand if its your weed and its just you and a friend then take your time, but if its not yours and there's more than 3 people get some good hits in then pass it.

6. DON'T WET THE BLUNT/JAY. If your lips are wet wipe them on your shirt or the back of your hand. I hate when I get my blunt back and it has spit all over it.

7. DON'T SQUEEZE THE BLUNT/JAY BECAUSE THE MORE ITS DEFORMED THE HARDER IT IS TO SMOKE. Hold it tight enough not to drop but gentle enough for it to stay a cylinder.

8. DON'T TRY TO TELL PEOPLE WHAT TO DO WITH THEIR WEED. I hate when the young bull of the group is telling me that I need to roll up another blunt because we aren't high enough. STFU Junior.

9. DON'T ACT HIGHER THAN YOU ARE. People will see right through your act so don't even do it.

10. JUST RELAX AFTER A SESSION. PEOPLE LIKE TO KICK BACK AFTER A BLUNT, SO DON'T BE THE GUY WHO ENDS UP MAKING A FOOL OF HIM SELF.

11. IF YOU START COUGHING PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GET THE BLUNT/JAY/PIPE/BOWL TO A SAFE PLACE. I've seen 2 bowls and 1 bong get shattered by cough attacks. It's not pretty.

12. DON'T ALWAYS MOOCH. TRY TO BRING SOMETHING TO THE CIRCLE IF YOU CAN. If you develop a reputation of being a mooch people won't like you, bring some bud sometimes or drinks or snacks. Don't just rely on other people all the time.

13. DON'T BREAK HOUSE RULES. I hate when people come over and I tell them what not to do then 20 minutes after the session they are doing it. Just follow fucking rules and every thing will be cool.

14. IF YOU'RE NEW, DON'T GET FREAKED OUT WHEN YOU'RE HIGH. TRY TO CHILL AND ENJOY IT QUIETLY. It sucks whens everybody's watching a movie and you're in the middle talking to yourself. Just fucking CHILL.

15. IF SOMEONE ASKED YOU TO ROLL AND YOU CAN'T, THEN DON'T TRY. ASK SOMEONE WHO CAN. Nobody likes badly rolled jays/blunts. Let someone else do it if you can't. Remember practice makes perfect go home and master a jay when your by yourself so you can surprise people next time.

16. DON'T LET PEOPLE KNOW YOUR A ROOKIE IF THEY DON'T ASK. Keep it yourself. What they don't know won't hurt. Some people will look at you in a different way if they think your a newb. Just chill and handle your self well and you will be getting respect in no time.

17. TRY TO MUFFLE YOUR COUGH. Nobody I know likes to hear people cough their lungs out.

18. NEVER EVER EVER EVER BLOW INTO THE BONG OR COUGH INTO IT.

19. IT NEVER HURTS TO SAY THANK YOU. If someone smokes you out say thanks, I always appreciate it and it makes me want to invite you more cause your respectable.

20. DON'T LOSE THINGS. Lighters/matches/papers/blunts/bowls, make sure you have them if someone asked you to hold on to them.

21. DON'T REPEATEDLY TALK ABOUT HOW HIGH YOU ARE. Don't saying things like "Oh my God! Everything is spinning!!". It just gets annoying

22. DON'T EAT MY MUNCHIES WITHOUT MY PERMISSION. I'm not against sharing, but my house isn't a fucking buffet either.


To all you smokers, help me add stuff to this list.

Marijuanalogues III

Well it seems Law Schoolites are getting into all kinds of trouble these days because of their rampant drug abuse, so I thought it would be good if I listed some basic techniques one can employ to prevent getting caught by authorities.

Red Eyes: This is a very major detector in telling if someone is high. The best solution is Visene, Bausch & Laumb, Clear Eyes, Rhoto Vs(The best), or any other eyedrop that relieves redness. Check to see it's potency too, Max relief or what have you would work well. It also seems that you build an immunity to the drops, so make sure you have put in enough. Time will also make your eyes less red. Also, be confident, look people you're talking to in the eyes, try to keep your eyes open normally, given you've used visene. Always hide your visene, someone finding visene is a dead giveaway, what are the chances you need visene for something other than bloodshot, smoked out eyes.

Breath: Again, very important that this is masked. Listerene strips or gum works really well. Your breath won't smell for that long, and anything that you put in your mouth will help, food or soda etc., even strong smelling food works good, like onions. If you have very skeptical parents, spit out the gum before coming in contact with adults.

Smell in Clothes:This is a very tricky one, but the best remedy is to have a spare shirt. Say you know you're going to be hotboxing a car. Always carry an extra shirt around if you can, that way you can wear it while you smoke, so the smell goes on it, and not what you wore earlier. Then you can just take the rank shirt off when you're done smoking, and put on the fresh clothes you were wearing earlier. Works like a charm, and I do it almost everytime now. Depending on how much you smoked and what you smokd it out of, the smell may go away after a bit in fesh air, but you can never be too careful. Blow it away from your clothes if need be.

I however, do not reccomend sprays, like cologne, or axe. Most of the time these won't mask the smell, but mix. To me axe and weed is stronger than just weed. Although here is a technique which is more specific than just spraying axe, and will work fine.

If you know you're going to go smoke immediately, spray yourself with a cologne, then put a heavy materialed shirt on (hoodie, jacket, etc). That way when you're inside or elsewhere, you take off the heavy layer and you simply smell good because of that wonderful cologne you always wear, because you are a clean and well-put together individual.

Smell on Fingers: This could possibly be one of the most important things to remember. Your breath and clothes will air out not too long after, but your fingers will reek for a long time. This also depends on what your smoking, blunts and joints will really make your fingers stink. WHat you can do to easily solve this is just wash your hands off, but anything to take the smell out of your fingers will. Sometimes I walk in and pet my smelly ass dog.

Smell in Hair: Depending upon how long your hair is, the smell could get into it too. Although i do not have long hair, it would probably be best to wear a hat or something while smoking, or to just make sure your hair airs out.

Smell of surroundings:Bedroom/house:There are many different ways to try and hide the smell in your room. I'm going to list the techniques I can come up with.

Timing: Try and find a time when you won't be walked in on, when you know for sure your parents are asleep and won't bother you. Hell, even gone (the best). You just have to make sure you won't be interrupted or walked in on shortly therafter.

Smoke: Isn't much you can do for this one, but there are some remedies that go along with other things listed below. Blowing into a pillow will reduce smoke,(See warnings below), if you light incense, there's a reason to be smoke. Holding the hit in longer will reduce smoke. Blowing smoke through the shooter will reduce smoke a little bit. Open your windows and let it air out, a fan in the window will help get fresh air in. If all else fails, turn on a fan inside, ceiling or stand, that may kill the smoke a little (The AC does that to a hotbox, right?).

Fan in window pointing outward: This is a very good method, just smoke next to the fan, blowing the smoke into it, leading to outside. Also hold whatever you're smoking near it to, so whatever rolls off gets sucked out too. No smoke, no smell, you're good. Just make sure to always have that fan there for a particular reason (Airflow going through your room) or only when you smoke. If you leave it there it could be a give-away that you were smoking.

Fabric Softeners/dryer sheet in toilet paper roll(Zoom Tubes): Put about 8 fabric softeners/dryer sheets into a paper towel roll, and maybe even one rubber banded over the top of one of the sides. Just inhale and exhale through this device.This one works alright, but you need to be aware of all smoke, smoking device and what you inhale. Generally smoke will come out of a bowl after you hit it, isn't that much smoke though. So it should clear up smell wise shortly after. Dispose of or hide the Zoom tube, as with eye drops, this is a dead give-a-way.

Incense,candles, and Febreeze: From experience, incense will cover the smell, but also leave skeptical parents wondering. It's a little obvious that you're lighting incense to cover up a smell. This works good if you used incense before you smoked. Candles will help the smell too, it won't necessarily cover it up quickly, but it will smell good, and eventually cover up the weed smell(Not recommended for lots of smoking). Febreeze or any kind of spray that doesn't cover, but kills smell, will work. Febreeze is good for fabrics smell, and I think they have one that lso eliminates air odor. This also could be a little obvious if your parents have suspicions. Spray or light in areas where you smoke, and doorways where people come in.

Blowing into a pillow or mattress:This will work alright, but you need to be very careful. Blowing big hits into pillows will leave a brownish mouth print from where the smoke went through. Again, if you parents see those marks, it can't be good. Be very careful with this, and only try if you aren't smoking too much (i.e. One hitters) Try spraying the pillow with something later and let it air out. Not recommended.

Cologne:Cologne is not what you want to be your first choice as a mask. Most of the time it will just mix with the smell AND make things obvious. Only do this as a last resort, I don't entirely recommend it.

Hold that shit in!: If you're a champ, hold that shit in, the longer you hold it in, the less smoke, the less smell. Thsi works great with any other technique, AND gets you higher.

Smoke in the shower: This is what I do a lot when I smoke alone at home. If you have a fan thing in your bathroom (Made to suck in steam and hot air), just smoke and blow it into that. Then, after that, take a shower, a hot shower, and make sure to sud up extra good to get that smell in the air and the weed smell out. Works wonders and no one can walk in on you.

Smell of surrounding:Car(This is for people with cars, who have snoopy parents.) Like anything, how you smoke effects the smell, but also in cars, the material effect it too(Leather doesn't absorb smoke much, cloth like fabrics do, get it?). You can just crack your windows and blow out if you're smoking bowls or anything. If you don't vent while smoking, roll all the windows down and air that shit out, This will even help you air out too. If you are smoking a blunt, roll the windows down. If you hotbox, expect your car to smell the next day. You'll need lots of air blowing to get a hotbox smell out of a car. Air fresheners will probably help, without much suspicion.

Also, if smoking or carrying anything in a car, drive right, you don't want to get pulled over.

Hiding spots:It's always nice to have a good hiding spot for your stash. You want to try and pick a place unfrequented, where your parents wouldn't find on accident. Also, don't hide it too easy, that could get you caught one day. I had a few good ones myself, some of you would use them for ideas. In my dresser, i could take out the bottom drawer, then lift up a panel it was over, and put everything down there. A perfect spot unless my mom were to rearrange my room. I also had a row of books on a shelf that were diagonal, with a triangle shaped spot behind them. I threw stuff there for a quicker and more convenient spot, although not long term.

Everyone has great hiding spot, just use your imagination

Confidence: Have confidence in yourself, if you don't have red eyes, and don't smell, you're pretty good. Remember that although you're probably very paranoid, no one has the right to think you're high other than an assumption. Open your eyes normally, look them in the eyes, talk to them regularly, no reason to get caught. Paranoia is the worst part about getting high, if you're confident, you can overcome this and relax.

Being high around people takes getting used to, but if you try, it will become easy, you can not get caught and be fucked up, it just takes practice and confidence.

Carelessness: This is by far the worst. If you smoke for too long, you end up being less and less careful, which leads to everyone's demise. As hard as it may be, you HAVE to try and make sure to clean up after you smoke. Put everything away and make sure it doesn't smell. I hate to say it, but no matter how careful you are, eventually this will be your fall, so just be very careful.

And most importantly...keep quiet about that shit. It does not matter if people already know you do it, just don't let them find out when you do it, how often you do it and when you're going to do it next.

Happy smoking.

Bill Hicks (1961-1994)

Bill Hicks is NOT just a comedian, the same way Martin Luther King is NOT just a great orator. They signified the next stage in the evolution of thought processes in their respective fields. In his own words, he was a "Chomsky with dick jokes". Anyway, here's a compilation of amazing(ly funny) quotes by the Late Great Mr. William Hicks.

"I'm so sick of arming the world, then sending troops over to destroy the fucking arms, you know what I mean? We keep arming these little countries, then we go and blow the shit out of them. We're like the bullies of the world, y'know. We're like Jack Palance in the movie Shane, throwing the pistol at the sheepherder's feet.

"Pick it up."

"I don't wanna pick it up, Mister, you'll shoot me."

"Pick up the gun."

"Mister, I don't want no trouble. I just came downtown here to get some hard rock candy for my kids, some gingham for my wife. I don't even know what gingham is, but she goes through about ten rolls a week of that stuff. I ain't looking for no trouble, Mister."

"Pick up the gun."

(He picks it up. Three shots ring out.)

"You all saw him - he had a gun."

******

I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fuckin' mouth.

******

Your denial is beneath you, and thanks to the use of hallucinogenic drugs, I see through you.

******

A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.

******

Watching television is like taking black spray paint to your third eye.

******

People say "Iraq had the fourth largest army in the world". Yeah, maybe, but you know what, after the first 3 largest armies, there's a REAL big fucking drop-off. The Hare Krishnas are the 5th largest army in the world, and they've already got all our airports.

******

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

******

It's really weird how your life changes. Tonight I'm drinking water. Four years ago? Opium. Night and day, you know?

******

I don't do drugs anymore... than say, the average touring funk band.

******

"This is your brain." I've seen a lot of weird shit on drugs. I have never ever ever ever EVER looked at a fucking egg and thought it was a brain.

******

If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.

******

The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.

******

Children are smarter than any of us. Know how I know that? I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

******

Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.

******

I have never seen two people on pot get in a fight because it is fucking IMPOSSIBLE. "Hey, buddy!" "Hey, what?" "Ummmmmmm...." End of argument.

******

We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.

******

Because you know if you play New Kids on the Block albums backwards they sound better. "Oh come on, Bill, they're the New Kids, don't pick on them, they're so good and they're so clean cut and they're such a good image for the children." Fuck that! When did mediocrity and banality become a good image for your children? I want my children to listen to people who fucking ROCKED! I don't care if they died in puddles of their own vomit! I want someone who plays from his fucking HEART!

******

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: " Hey, whatchoo readin' for?"

Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.

******

Supreme Court says pornography is anything without artistic merit that causes sexual thoughts, that's their definition, essentially. No artistic merit, causes sexual thoughts. Hmm... Sounds like...every commercial on television, doesn't it? You know, when I see those two twins on that Doublemint commercial? I'm not thinking of gum. I am thinking of chewing, so maybe that's the connection they're trying to make.

******

Here is my final point. About drugs, about alcohol, about pornography and smoking and everything else. What business is it of yours what I do, read, buy, see, say, think, who I fuck, what I take into my body - as long as I do not harm another human being on this planet?

******

Why is marijuana against the law? It grows naturally upon our planet. Doesn't the idea of making nature against the law seem to you a bit... unnatural? You know what I mean? It's nature. How do you make nature against the fucking law?

******

I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.

******

I dunno how much AIDS scares y'all, but I got a theory: the day they come out with a cure for AIDS, a guaranteed one-shot cure, on that day there's gonna be fucking in the streets, man.

******

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (Starts blinking)

******

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

******

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

******

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

******

No, I don't do drugs anymore, either. But I'll tell you something about drugs. I used to do drugs, but I'll tell you something honestly about drugs, honestly, and I know it's not a very popular idea, you don't hear it very often anymore, but it is the truth: I had a great time doing drugs. Sorry. Never murdered anyone, never robbed anyone, never raped anyone, never beat anyone, never lost a job, a car, a house, a wife or kids, laughed my ass off, and went about my day.

******

Christianity has a built-in defense system: anything that questions a belief, no matter how logical the argument is, is the work of Satan by the very fact that it makes you question a belief. It's a very interesting defense mechanism and the only way to get by it -- and believe me, I was raised Southern Baptist -- is to take massive amounts of mushrooms, sit in a field, and just go, "Show me."

******

It's just a ride and we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money, a choice, right now, between fear and love. The eyes of fear want you to put bigger locks on your door, buy guns, close yourself off. The eyes of love instead see all of us as one.

******

One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.

******

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

******

I don't mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel, but I am, so that's how it comes out.

******

I'm tired of this back-slapping "Isn't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.

******

The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And we kill those people.

******

We all pay for life with death, so everything in between should be free.

******

That's an act, that's a frying pan, that's a stove, you're an alcoholic! Dude, I'm tripping right now, and I still see that that's a fucking egg, alright? I see the UFO's around it, but that's a goddamn egg in the middle. There's a hobbit eating it, but goddammit that hobbit's eating a fucking egg! He's on a unicorn. But, no, th-th-th-that's a fucking egg. How dare you have a wino tell me not to do drugs!

******

It's always funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's just hilarious.

******

It's great to be here. I thank you. Ah, I've been on the road doing comedy for ten years now, so bear with me while I plaster on a fake smile and plough through this shit one more time.

******

By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show.

"You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!

******

I've learned a lot about women. I think I've learned exactly how the fall of man occured in the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve were in the Garden of Eden, and Adam said one day, "Wow, Eve, here we are, at one with nature, at one with God, we'll never age, we'll never die, and all our dreams come true the instant that we have them." And Eve said, "Yeah... it's just not enough is it?"

******

Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - you are free to do what well tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

******

I'm gonna share with you a vision that I had, cause I love you. And you feel it. You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense each year, trillions of dollars, correct? Instead -- just play with this -- if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world -- and it would pay for it many times over, not one human being excluded -- we can explore space together, both inner and outer, forever in peace. Thank you very much. You've been great, I hope you enjoyed it.

******

The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That's pretty fucking cruel isn't it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?

******

If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?

******

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

******

See we just had a misunderstanding. I thought we lived in the U.S. of A., the United States of America. But actually we live in the U.S. of A., the United States of Advertising. Freedom of expression is guaranteed? If you've got the money!

-- Bill Hicks, on being censored from "The Late Show with David Letterman"

******

Fundamentalist Christianity - fascinating. These people actually believe that the the world is 12,000 years old. Swear to God. Based on what? I asked them.

"Well we looked at all the people in the Bible and we added 'em up all the way back to Adam and Eve, their ages: 12,000 years."

Well how fucking scientific, okay. I didn't know that you'd gone to so much trouble. That's good. You believe the world's 12,000 years old?

"That's right."

Okay, I got one word to ask you, a one word question, ready?

"Uh-huh."

Dinosaurs.

You know the world is 12,000 years old and dinosaurs existed, they existed in that time, you'd think it would have been mentioned in the fucking Bible at some point.

"And lo Jesus and the disciples walked to Nazareth. But the trail was blocked by a giant brontosaurus... with a splinter in his paw. And O the disciples did run a shriekin': 'What a big fucking lizard, Lord!' But Jesus was unafraid and he took the splinter from the brontosaurus's paw and the big lizard became his friend.

"And Jesus sent him to Scotland where he lived in a loch for O so many years inviting thousands of American tourists to bring their fat fucking families and their fat dollar bills.

"And oh Scotland did praise the Lord. Thank you Lord, thank you Lord. Thank you Lord."

******

People ask me what I think about that woman priest thing. What, a woman priest? Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.

Smile. Its good for you.

I think the whole point of life is to be happy and to do everything possible to maintain that frame of mind.

Everything else is secondary, meaningless, transient and/or pointless.

So do everything you can to be happy in this life. Because its all over once you die. There are no pearly gates. No 72 virgins (or raisins). No reincarnations. No mystical pubs where you hang out with Andy Garcia, Ernest Hemingway and Pablo Picasso for the rest of eternity.

None of that. Once you die, its over. Done. Finished. Kaput.

You say tomato, I say potato

A Cocktail

A Cock's Tail

I don't get it.

And the search begins

After my recent fracas at the not-so-friendly Chinese restaurant, my eyes were in a perpetual scanning mode looking for a new watering hole. Many bars were considered for this prestigious honour, but I have now narrowed it down to three final contenders.

Welcome Bar
Located slightly away from the bustling heart of town, this fine establishment provides multiple varieties of alcohol, Tibetan cuisine and "sweat meats", whatever that is. Two key features of Welcome Bar are; it has extremely attractive Tibetan waitresses, and it sells alcohol on Sundays (a Government ordered dry day in Meghalaya), albeit at an increased price. Well, not really, the price is raised by just one Rupee.

The Hole in the Ground
This is in no way the actual name of this place. To tell you the truth, I don't think it has a name at all. It's so secretive that you could be standing two feet away from it without realizing that this place even exists. To enter, one must open a blue trap door and literally descend into a hole in the ground, hence the name. Like "Welcome Bar", it sells booze on Sundays but at a much higher price. However, the best feature of T.H.I.T.G. is that it remains open till 5 a.m., which in Shillong is akin to finding a passive unassuming Jat.

Ambassador Bar
By far the SHADIEST joint I've seen in a while, or as I like to call it, Guhan Balaji's natural habitat. Extremely atmospheric. Nearly impossible to find a female within its premises, nevermind the bar itself. The location is such that one strong gust of wind could just topple it from its precarious perch over the municipal gutter. The waiters are polite, speedy and smell vaguely of kerosene. No outstanding qualities like the other two, but the sheer coziness of the place more than makes up for it.

The only way I can be fair in my decision is if I give all three an equal chance. So for the next two months I'll be intensely reviewing these establishments before I make my final decision. I just hope I don't end up ruining my liver in the process.

Moment of Clarity

Smoked a blunt today morning at 4:30 am.

Walked out of home at 6:15 am.

Everything looked bright and sunny, but not quite. It seemed like someone had applied a Sepia effect on everything. At times I even thought that someone had slipped some mushrooms into the weed or something. The visual trip was THAT vivid.

Only when I met my friend did I realize that the reason everything looked weird was because of the freakin Solar Eclipse.

Major "D'oh! Moment".

Unforseen

Waiters in Shillong aren't a very nice bunch of people. And they can't even punch their way out of a wet paper bag.

I had gone to Kimsang, the local "Chinese Food Restaurant cum Bar" for a cold beer with a friend of mine. Since we were both running short on cash, we decided to split a bottle. The problem was that it took us almost two hours to finish it (just to avoid going back out in the scorching heat). While paying the bill, the smart-ass waiter mutters, "Fuckers...order only one beer but sit here for two hours."

Next thing I know my friend gets up and asks him to repeat that, and then promptly gets punched in his stomach for his troubles. And then I'm suddenly aware that my right fist has made contact with the waiter's face. Then all hell breaks loose. All the other diners quickly pay their bills and split. The manager closes the shutters of the place and the two of us are surrounded by 8 waiters. Luckily, only two other waiters join the fight. So now I'm kicking Waiter No 1 in the face, while Waiter No 2 is clawing my neck and punching my head from behind, and my friend is simultaneously punching Waiter No 2 and keeping Waiter No 3 at bay. I'm sure it looked like a weird chain of some sort to a third party.

The entire fracas ended in the same random way it began. The manager grabbed both of us by the collar and threw us out. And just like that, the fight was over.

In the end, I did feel somewhat liberated. Just repeatedly pounding on a guy's face can be extremely therapeutic.

Ansel Adams

I've been taking pictures for a while and I realized that I've never had a "favourite" photographer or someone who I'd aspire to be like one day. After weeks and weeks of looking, I think I've finally found someone who's a prototype of the kind of photographer I want to be. The late great Ansel Adams.

His breathtaking landscape shots in black and white were incredibly moving, and also a fitting mode of portraying the grandeur of the American West. His pictures probably say a lot more about the photographer than about the subject itself, in my opinion. The way he plays with high contrast lighting and shadows is truly a joy to watch. But most importantly, his use of the right amount of exposure in every shot was masterful. The picture shown below is one of his famous works, "Teton and Snake River", taken in 1942.

Attack of the 50ft Chinese Footballers

This is Yang Changpeng. He is a very very tall footballer. Not only is he enormous, he also has an amazing first touch and has played for Bolton Wanderers in the premier League.

And yes, that's a full-sized goal he's leaning on.

House party

Teacher's 75 Proof Scotch will knock you on your ass. I'm sure Esther agrees.

A series of mind-f**king events

I've now realized that the car that currently lies dormant in my garage isn't a car at all. It is in fact Loki, reincarnated (was he even dead in the first place?) as a 2004 model Maruti 800. Ever since I started driving that blasted thing, something downright f**ked up has happened to me or a relative of mine.

1. Arun's car gets crushed by a Santro (drunk driver) from the back and a taxi from the front. Luckily he walked away from the accident, albeit with a horribly disfigured face.

2. My cousin kills himself over a girl. Not really sure what that was all about.

3. I run out of fuel 15km from my home. Even though the fuel guage showed "half full" less than 10 minutes ago. It has a life of its own, this thing. Had to walk all the way back in the rain, get the debit card, buy fuel and walk most of the way back.

4. Get the car covered in puke, piss and Romanov Vodka (None of it was my own. I was happily minding my own business at home when I got an "emergency" call from my friend at one in the morning. Drove all the way to Shillong Peak. There I find 6 extremely drunk high school students, a few of whom looked comatose. Carried some of them back to the car, and I was rewarded for this selfless act with an impromptu "vodka bath" and then being puked on by, not one, but two women.). I still don't know how I didn't end up losing my temper that night.

5. Broke the crankshaft. Actually BROKE it. Not sure how I managed that.

So, before the thing actually kills me, I've made the smart decision to stop driving it. Better start practising my "Taxi!! PB jayga?!?" call.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip your ma!

Finally FINALLY updated that damn deviant art page. But its mostly old stuff, so it still doesn't feel like a genuine update. On the plus side, Bipin managed to find me on DA, so I now have regular access to his photographs. That is good.

In other news, the lecturers in college seem to be picking on me for some reason. I'm sure I didn't break any rules...uh...that I know of. So why the hell are they after me then? Bastards.

Also, haven't gone to church in two weeks. Life is oh so very beautiful.

:)

Been thinking about the "electric company" for three days now. Even had a retarded smile on my face the whole day today. Damn, I need to get a grip. Too much bhondu is bad for one's mental well being.

The First Annual Music Festival Tour

I need to go to these cities.

1. Wacken, Germany. (July-August)

2. Saitama, Japan. (October)

3. Reyjavik, Iceland. (March)

4. Kathmandu, Nepal. (March)

5. Oslo, Norway. (November)

6. Århus, Denmark. (February)

Any donations and possible companions for the above-mentioned excursion would be accepted with open arms.

Tis Over

The EPL (BPL?) season is finally over. As usual, it was quite entertaining with Liverpool finally deciding to join the party and making life difficult for Manchester United and Chelski. Anyway, I've decided to make a list for the season, highlighting a few things I enjoyed, and a few which I didn't:

1. Favourite team
Fulham. What a turn-around from the shambles that was last season. They showed courage against the big teams, and vastly improved their play in all spheres of the game. Hats off to the men from Craven Cottage.

2. C**t 11
Boro. Pathetic team. Absolutely nothing likeable about them. Only bright spot in an otherwise horrid season would be their Turkish star, Tuncay. Good luck holding on to him you c**ts!

3. Best Manager
Guus Hiddink. What an absolute legend. Shrewd tactician. Extremely dignified. And commanded the respect of his superstar squad. Hope he returns to Chelsea after his stint with Russia, really do. (Close 2nd on the list - Sam Allardyce and Harry Redknapp)

4. Biggest Flop
David Bentley. "The next David Beckham"? Bollocks. Other than the downright ridiculous volley in the North London derby, he was well and truly invisible. Over-rated. Mind you, Robbie Keane gave him a run for his money in this category.

5. Best Buy
Robbie Keane to Spurs. Getting a proven goal-scorer who knows the team well, especially when theres a lack of strikers in your squad? Good buy.

6. Worst Manager
Paul Ince. Nothing against him, but he had absolutely no idea what he was doing during his brief tenure at Blackburn.

7. Favourite Under-appreciated Player
Tie between James Beattie and Steven Pienaar.

8. Favourite Moment of the Season
Kiko Macheda. 93rd minute. Cruyff turn. Net bulges. Every footballer's dream right there.

Pants Wetting Terror

Try this:

1. Go to www.imdb.com
2. Search for the movie, "All Dogs Go To Heaven". Keep in mind, this is an animated movie for little children.
3. Look at the plot synopsis. (Located just below the release date and genre)

Go ahead...I'll wait.











Done? Good.

Now, didn't that sound like the story for the scariest horror flick you've ever seen? Holy Shit! What were the execs at Warner Brothers smoking when they thought this up?

Album Covers

These are album covers I made today. Partly due to boredom, and partly to check out the speed of the new processor. 4.6 Ghz Pentium i7 :D

All fake bands, except the last one. But all albums are fake.

Open each image individually on a different tab.

Indian Rap...True Dat!

What the fuck is "Showdown Mumbai"?

An extremely bad, and poorly thought out song, that's what. According to the lyrics of this musical masterpiece, there's going to be a "showdown" in Mumbai. The details of which have been conveniently left out. After 10 listens, I still couldn't figure out what in Sam's hell they were talking about.

Oh, and just look at the guy who's "playing" the guitar. At no point do his fingers even touch the strings. I'm sorry Cuban-looking-man-with-straw-fedora, you have to do more than that to impress me.

She said..

"We'll smoke pot and fornicate."

Truer words have never been spoken.

The Totally Awesome Life

I've gone through the first four volumes of Scott Pilgrim, and it's left a mark on me. Just the whole manga inspired artwork, combined with ridiculous humour and a zillion little references to things I like (video-game isnpired boss battles, three-cord bands etc) make it such a pleasure to read. I probably got on the SP bandwagon a bit late, but there's a perfectly logical reason for that. You see, I read the first volume a few months back...and I enjoyed it thoroughly. But then I read "Transmetropolitan" which in turn diverted my attention to the whole dystopian branch of comics and movies. And thus, I forgot about SP completely.

Until now, that is.

And yes, I know Volume 5 is out. And no, I haven't read it yet. And yes, I'd like a non rapidshare link for that.

Reset. Rewind. Play.

I thought I'd blog today, but I have nothing to say.

People on facebook seem to be busy with this "how well do you know me?" quiz. I'm not sure how and why these trends start, but they do. Thank god none of my friends got into the whole Pirates vs Ninjas crap when it was huge. I think the sound of Pirate speak mixed with an Indian accent would just cause the universe to collapse on itself. So, major bullet dodged there.

And now the guy in the next cubicle is singing Akon. The urge to stab him is increasing with every ear-aching second.

Movies to watch (or re-watch) this week:

Valkyrie

Roots

Prozac Nation

Apocalypse Now

Gomorra

Seven Samurai

Black Friday

End of rambling.

The Experiment

No facebook.

No blogging.

No photography.

No TV.

For 30 days and 30 nights.

Rubber Face

Behold, rubber face.

Exile

A week without parents, life is good.

Not that I've taken advantage of this lull in voyeuristic surveillance of my actions. Not as much booze or weed as I'd like to have consumed, but sobriety does have its perks. I've cut down on photography this week. Everyday has been a generic sunny day, so the lack of different lighting conditions has been boring.

But every once in a while, something like this happens...

Of lost brothers and repressed memories

Watched Gran Torino today.

I hate to admit it, but the ending left me teary eyed. The violent murder of Clint Eastwood's character right at the end brought back two particularly unpleasant memories.

Waking up to hear that a close friend has suddenly died has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. It's a dreadful mix of disbelief, grief, regret, loneliness, fear and anger.

R. and J., we love you and we miss you.

Dry Earth

Something strange happened today. It stopped raining, and the dark gloomy weather was replaced by bright and sunny skies.

Summer has officially begun (hope I didn't jinx it).

Parents are out of town, and won't be back for a week or so. I have the entire house to myself now. Guess it's time to start walking around in boxers.

Hmm, Kim's in town. Must go meet her tomorrow.

Abi Seng'chi

"My eyes are an ocean in which my dreams are reflected."

This is Seng'chi, my cousin sister.

She can't speak.

She can't hear.

But she's the one who loves to communicate the most in the family.